Helping You? Or Helping Himself or Herself?
written and copyright by, Cynthia Caron, President-Founder of LostNMissing Inc
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Published ; Revised, January 20, 2013
Families of missing are under extreme duress and many times will reach out to anyone and every one who can assist them. Not all they reach will aid in their plight. Unfortunately there are those who may take advantage of the family's vulnerability and/or cause and create havoc with a loved one's case. When having an unprofessional linked to your family, it will alienate you from the police and your assigned investigators. Not every creative name online is skilled to assist.
Be sure those that you obtain assistance from are reputable and accountable.
Unfortunately many times there are those who set up "identities that make them look like "official organizations" or ones that have "experience" in working with families of missing. Your first question should always be, Who are you? How may I contact you? Are you an official corporation? What is your tax ID number? What is your email address? - have them send ALL of this information to you in an email BEFORE you give them any information or permission to your cherished missing loved one.
I assure you that once your missing loved one's information hits the social media circuit; many people from "psychics" to "investigators" to "I work with families of missing" will come out of the woodwork. They will contact you to offer help, to build a web page for your missing loved one, or to offer to become an Administrator on your site, etc.
From experience I have found that those who tend to "ambulance chase" families of missing tend to need more help "emotionally" than those of a family missing. I know that sounds terrible to say but many times those same "helpers" cause more stress and trauma to a family already grieving, fearful and vulnerable.
- Don't let your vulnerability fall prey to those who want to "break into the industry" by wanting to be your spokesperson or family representative when you do not even know this person, they do not know the best way to help or manage a family of missing and many times have issues in their own personal lives that prevents them from assisting you properly. Some, unfortunately are looking for monetary gain by either holding events or collecting donations on "behalf of the family."
Private or Public Info?
Do not give details of "the investigation" to just anybody online. Examples: "She called home" "We heard she is in Texas"
The only thoughts the family SHOULD post is:
- Thanks to those who send well wishes and prayers.
- Post your feelings as you want the public to relate to your plight. You want them to help you. You are dependent on them to help you find your child as they are the eyes for you in places you cannot be.
- Post messages direct to your missing. Pleas to contact you. More than probably, if they are ok, they are reading it somewhere.
- Details of your child's private life is not necessary for anyone to find him or her.
- Age is important, date of birth is not. You do not want to have your missing loved one become a victim of identity theft. Nor have the investigation be led astray due to identity theft.
- Their missing poster is what should be continually posted at least 2-3 times each day so that it flows through the news feeds.
Law enforcement is not going to tell you what you can post or cannot post. Unless you do something very intimidating to the case and this is usually in missing cases in which foul play is suspected.
Do not divulge "sensitive informational updates"
- What I am telling you is by telling people he called home converted his case in people's minds from "a missing child who may be under extreme duress of an adult influence" to one of "a teen who at least called home but is staying away on his own desires and it becomes a family matter case. No longer a missing child case" so they move on to another case to watch and monitor. You lose your helpers which is your audience. Which are your strong allies to help spread information that your child is missing and also they are your eyes and ears in numerous places.
- Never post "inside" tips. In other words, do not post that your missing loved one was traced to Houston Texas via cell phone. While I know you want to scream out to all of Houston to look for your child, there is a way that can be done without divulging the information. All you will be doing is teaching your child to now shut off their cell phone or to hide further as you are close to finding him/her. (Yes, they do read the pages. They are curious as to what is going on behind the scenes of them being missing. In nearly 95% of all missing teenager cases that we've managed, all teens were monitoring their "missing pages." What you post can make the difference in the case. A huge difference between finding them and keeping them away.
Rumors & Trolls
Once rumors and trolls set in...it becomes difficult to manage the pages. The folks that stay at your page are either those that truly want to help and those who want to drive more information from you to delve into your family dynamics to create malicious havoc. (And asking for information that is blatantly none of their business and is not going to find your missing child.)
Invariably what happens it creates a page where rumors come in and problems occur. Stress for you, stress for your monitors. The way to overcome this problem is to have your page monitored and managed by your nonprofit company that is working with you to help locate your child. They have the skill set to know what to post, what not to post and how to encourage the public to look for your child. If a family wishes to manage their own pages, that is fine but please be sure you follow the guidance that is outlined in this article.
Remember working with a nonprofit organization to assist you in finding your missing loved one should not cost you money.
Remember working with a nonprofit organization to assist you in finding your missing loved one should not cost you money. Nearly all nonprofits that help families of missing do not charge fees. Not even to build websites. There are those that do, however. Be sure that you have knowledge of this BEFORE you bring them on to your case. Those that are legitimate organizations with outstanding records can be easily checked through Charity.gov or GuideStar. Be sure they are still active and in good standing. Those that want to charge you a fee? Be sure to check their Facebook pages, their websites and ask for references. Are they offering free work for you but charging someone else? This is a huge red flag that you could invariably be charged a fee down the road. Here is good information to read about nonprofits who charge a fee:
Do's and Don'ts - Having clear photographs of your missing child. Most recent photos are advisable.
- Utilizing "natural poses" or "school pictures" are ideal. Photos from Aunt Helen's wedding is not ideal as your child does not look the same in every day settings.
- Try not to ever divulge your child's health information or medical conditions unless it is specifically needed in order to find them. A child missing who is diabetic and needs insulin is a must for life and death purposes, a child who is bi-polar or has ADHD does not need to have their diagnosed named. Instead, give descriptions. Example, child may be overly excited or withdrawn. He/she may or may not make eye contact. , etc.
- Never post a photo of who YOU suspect is with your child, without the consent of the police department AND only if the police department issued a photo media release naming that person as a suspect. You are setting your family up for a potential lawsuit by the "suspect" if you do not adhere to this guideline. This goes the same for suspects that you feel may have contributed to the missing status of a missing adult. If the police have not named them as a suspect publicly and have not issued their photo to the media, you have no right to do so.
- Do ask your nonprofit for "tasks" to help you get through the day and to help you feel that you are contributing to the work of locating your child.
- Do see your family doctor if you are not able to eat or sleep properly.
- Do not borrow medications for anxiety. See your own doctor who knows best.
- Should your missing loved one phone home, do not discipline them. Tell them calmly to please let you know where they are and you will be there to talk. You will help them through with whatever is troubling them. You are their advocate and love them unconditionally. Tell them you understand the pressures they are under and you want to help them to the next step so that they can be home safely. If it is a minor child, (for example) discuss ways that they can live elsewhere (in the case of a child wanting to live with the other parent or grandparent, etc.) or can help them transfer to another school, (in the case of a child having trouble at present school.)
- If a minor, be sure that in addition to having your missing child reported to the police that they are also registered through the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children by calling 1-800-The-Lost.
Hopefully you will never experience the loss of a missing loved one or the experience of having a teenager run away from home. However, if you do or know someone who has... this guide will help you through the upcoming days until your loved one is located safely.
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